iii.

i heard someone say that our hearts should become softer from living this life, not harder. i'm pretty sure that means we are doing it all wrong. i felt myself being released, back into the mess of people too afraid to show their true emotions, too proud to show their flaws and vulnerabilities. even when they can be seen from the outside. i wonder if that's strength or weakness? i want to speak to you in an honest way, not just chatter. but we half listen. trying to erase the feeling of duplicity. ignore the knowledge that most people are unwilling to show their true selves. and when they do slowly unveil, it is with caution and reluctance

why is it that pain makes you feel most alive? and happiness is dizzy and feels soft around the edges and not quite real? how do you sometimes have so little power over your worst self? it makes your head swim, rushing through the nights into hazy days filled with something vain and naive. covering up whatever was missing with illusions that slowly melted. i've opened up, enjoyed the freedom. i know that i must go all the way to the edge in order for me to be able to look down into my worst flaws and step back. my absence takes on an identity of its own. trying to think of an appropriate end that's profound, but as we know, usually you know it's the end because it just stops