v.

the pursuit of something not clearly defined 
could lead you anywhere

i guess you could say it's better than nothing

i just wanted to flip the script, because the same shit 

gets repeated over and over

and that's supposed to be enough

there's not really a name for my occasional lust,

occasional disgust

i was having these strange dreams 

of my own memories playing like i was living them again

in a temporary moment i watched you

i woke up sort of nostalgic, sort of calm

i don't want to be practical, paper chasing every day

sleepless, always moving

if you look around you'll see the same truths

reflecting back at you

nothing disappears, just evolves

takes on a different form

chase it, and it will slip away

things that are constructed are always breakable
that's why i wonder how authentic people are
when so much of what we show the world
is just our own creation
i left everything i knew without a clear plan
just a restlessness and a desire for change
i wanted to control everything, 
but it doesn't work like that
the more you let go the lighter you become

iv.

just because we have so much capacity to sin 
doesn't mean we have to be sinners
someone told me that your beliefs 
always manifest themselves
when you try to control something that resists control
by its own nature, it will make you crazy
maybe that’s the problem with love
there will always be parts of someone that they keep hidden
just like there are parts of you that you don’t show
i could be any one
of these wide eyed baby girls with a pretty smile
and you would look at me the same way
speak to me in calculated words
i could tell what i needed to know just by looking

it never made sense until now
your absence has given me a part of myself 
i didn’t recognize before
i needed you then, i don’t need you now
it felt like a pulsing in my body, like relief
like the fall from grace
like something went quiet
and i’m less inclined to look for definitions in everything
it’s kind of nice
something slow and cinematic about watching
the scenery go by through ever changing windows

i like things to move at a natural pace, maybe i ask for too much
the only thing i can do is work harder
and maybe i’m not working hard enough 
you always choose, whether it’s light or dark
the heart of your choices is always a desire for danger
the thing is, you don’t realize most things for what they truly are
until after everything is said and done
after it’s too late
but i guess time is a relative concept, just like reality
so maybe it’s fine
that’s why i want to preserve everything
i want to know that i can always come back

these visuals: 

iii.

i heard someone say that our hearts should become softer from living this life, not harder. i'm pretty sure that means we are doing it all wrong. i felt myself being released, back into the mess of people too afraid to show their true emotions, too proud to show their flaws and vulnerabilities. even when they can be seen from the outside. i wonder if that's strength or weakness? i want to speak to you in an honest way, not just chatter. but we half listen. trying to erase the feeling of duplicity. ignore the knowledge that most people are unwilling to show their true selves. and when they do slowly unveil, it is with caution and reluctance

why is it that pain makes you feel most alive? and happiness is dizzy and feels soft around the edges and not quite real? how do you sometimes have so little power over your worst self? it makes your head swim, rushing through the nights into hazy days filled with something vain and naive. covering up whatever was missing with illusions that slowly melted. i've opened up, enjoyed the freedom. i know that i must go all the way to the edge in order for me to be able to look down into my worst flaws and step back. my absence takes on an identity of its own. trying to think of an appropriate end that's profound, but as we know, usually you know it's the end because it just stops

ii.

you’ve learned through your blindness that your gut will tell you what’s real. the voice telling you what you don’t want to believe, what’s staring you right in the face. it’s a natural process. there’s no reason to feel any regret. there’s nothing else that’s more genuine. i’m not interested in creating for any other purpose than to practice honesty. i have been dishonest. and yet i fault you for your dishonesty. but of course you attract whatever you expel

i.

they want you to be smart, but not smart enough to challenge them. beautiful, but not too sexual. they want to categorize you. it's how they make order for themselves. they want you to be easy to describe and easy to explain and easy to control. they want you to work hard, slave away, chasing this idea of material wealth being the only thing that matters in this life. they want you to pursue a practical plan instead of a dream. the hustle is distracting you from your real passion. 

we live in a way that objects control our lives and money drives us. enslaved by desires, trying to preserve things that are artificial.  are we actually gaining anything, or just becoming more narcissistic and unsatisfied? why are we surrounded by people who try to validate themselves by putting others below them?