iii.

i heard someone say that our hearts should become softer from living this life, not harder. i'm pretty sure that means we are doing it all wrong. i felt myself being released, back into the mess of people too afraid to show their true emotions, too proud to show their flaws and vulnerabilities. even when they can be seen from the outside. i wonder if that's strength or weakness? i want to speak to you in an honest way, not just chatter. but we half listen. trying to erase the feeling of duplicity. ignore the knowledge that most people are unwilling to show their true selves. and when they do slowly unveil, it is with caution and reluctance

why is it that pain makes you feel most alive? and happiness is dizzy and feels soft around the edges and not quite real? how do you sometimes have so little power over your worst self? it makes your head swim, rushing through the nights into hazy days filled with something vain and naive. covering up whatever was missing with illusions that slowly melted. i've opened up, enjoyed the freedom. i know that i must go all the way to the edge in order for me to be able to look down into my worst flaws and step back. my absence takes on an identity of its own. trying to think of an appropriate end that's profound, but as we know, usually you know it's the end because it just stops

ii.

you’ve learned through your blindness that your gut will tell you what’s real. the voice telling you what you don’t want to believe, what’s staring you right in the face. it’s a natural process. there’s no reason to feel any regret. there’s nothing else that’s more genuine. i’m not interested in creating for any other purpose than to practice honesty. i have been dishonest. and yet i fault you for your dishonesty. but of course you attract whatever you expel

i.

they want you to be smart, but not smart enough to challenge them. beautiful, but not too sexual. they want to categorize you. it's how they make order for themselves. they want you to be easy to describe and easy to explain and easy to control. they want you to work hard, slave away, chasing this idea of material wealth being the only thing that matters in this life. they want you to pursue a practical plan instead of a dream. the hustle is distracting you from your real passion. 

we live in a way that objects control our lives and money drives us. enslaved by desires, trying to preserve things that are artificial.  are we actually gaining anything, or just becoming more narcissistic and unsatisfied? why are we surrounded by people who try to validate themselves by putting others below them?